Exploring Threesomes

It’s one of the most common fantasies there is, a fabulous sexual experience when the stars align, and reallllly not so great when things don’t click. Yep, it’s a threesome, also known as a ménage à trois. That’s French, so you know it’s sexy! 

A threesome can be explored by three people of any gender or orientation, as long as the interest and attraction lines up so there’s something for everyone to enjoy. Like anal sex, threesomes need to be something you want, not something your partner really wants but you don’t know how to say no to, or even something you decide to set up for your boo on their birthday. To start a threesome right, everyone should want to be there.  

Why have a threesome? 

Because when it all goes well, it is hella-fun and sexy, that’s why. It’s an inherently voyeuristic/exhibitionistic type of play, with lots of sexy views to admire, and it can be a hot way to explore things you’ve fantasized about, like same-sex or other-sex play; two-on-one sexual sensation; and other kinds of fun, with or without kink and role-play options on the menu.  

How do you find people to have a threesome with? 

It’s easiest to find playmates for threesomes (or other adventures) if you’re part of a sexually-oriented community already—group sex, kink, swinging, polyam, or other crowds where at least some of the participants are open to (and in some cases looking for) sexy fun. Does this mean you should play with anyone who wants to? No, but it’s an easier scene to find interested partners than asking your friends. 

Another good option: hook-up apps with a frisky reputation, like Feeld (best for threesomes, says Mashable), AdultFriendFinder, OkCupid, or Tinder. Grindr, Lex, and  HER can be great options for other queer folks. On the app, be clear that you’re interested in a threesome, and what kind, if you have a specific preference. It's generally not very fun to think you're matching with an individual who was actually pulling a bait & switch for only being available as a couple. 

What do you need to have on hand or find out from your partner/s? 

Rapid covid tests; condoms, Lorals, and gloves; lubricant that’s compatible with your safer sex gear and any toys you might be down to share, especially non-porous toys if you plan on using together. Throwing condoms on toys during group play can be a great way to ensure you’re only sharing the toy, and not fluids. Be sure to use a new condom each time, with each person. This is also true for using barriers between partners and orifices.  

A truly charming host stocks up on clean towels, extra TP, snacks and beverages (definitely including non-alcoholic ones), and any other things folks might find comforting, such as a cozy place to rest if they decide to step away from play for a sec.  

Things to ask: What do they like to do? What are their boundaries? Any lube or condom allergies? Anything in particular they do or don’t want to be called? Are we all playing together or working together to tag-team an individual? Use a yes/no/maybe list if you’re new to this!  Everyone should get (and give) a sense of what they’d like the threesome to be like.  

What do you do in a threesome? 

Well, see, this is why you break out your Yes/Maybe/No list up front, or ask the above questions—that gives you a list! All the participants' interests and “No, don’t go there” limits are equally important. But you don’t have to script it all out from the get-go. Just stay communicative throughout. And as you play, don’t just do things and touch places without communicating about it and getting enthusiastic consent. Learn your common goals up front, then continually shape your experience by checking in and asking more questions.  

How do you know when to keep it as a fantasy and not do it IRL? 

If you have a partner and this whole thing is their idea—and you’re just not sure it’s what you want to do—that’s a no. (Or a “not yet,” anyhow.)  

If you think it’s an awesome idea in theory but if your partner paid more attention to the new person than to you, you’d burst into tears or freak out in some other fashion, it’s probably also a “not yet,” if ever. 

If you are partnered and you find someone to have a threesome with and you just bring them right home to meet your partner, slow down there, Sparky. Make sure this is a good time! Usually, folks like to have more notice and time to decide not in front of one another, if they are interested in being a part of a threesome. If the invitation feels uncomfortable, that only makes the activity seem uncomfortable as well.  

No matter whose idea it is, if it’s contingent on convincing a specific person to saying yes (and that person has expressed no sexual energy or interest with you), that might just be a red flag.  

Too many people assume it will make it easier to have a threesome if they’re already partnered. Unless the partners are quite good at sexual communication, reading the room, and respecting boundaries, having your sweetie with you is many times actually a more challenging situation. (That’s also true off you’re a unicorn—the single person couples want to take home for a ménage à trois—because if the couple who picks you up isn’t cool, you will spend the evening with a front seat to their drama.)  

Aaaand too many people will think it’s a good idea to get a little drunk before proceeding. Liquid courage! That’s not in fact a good idea. (That’s also why I didn’t send you right out to the bar to look for a unicorn, or to be the unicorn.) 

Threesomes are not beginner fun. But if you’re comfortable sexually and a great communicator, you might be ready for three-way adventures!